Unravel
by Warumono
Summary: They were dead, I had killed them. He was dead, too late to save. And He was gone ... too late to call back.
1. Author's Notes

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edit:

I'm REALLY sorry. I had no idea that anonymous reviewers were blocked! I fixed it though. Thanks to **April-Moon **for letting me know!! 

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Author's Note:

These are really short excerpts from Kaoru's perspective as she wanders around. They are short and well I guess you just have to go with it since Kaoru is seriously OOC. Don't kill me if you hate it. This is just something I thought of at the top of my head. 

I seriously hope you guys like it though. I enjoyed writing it.

Soundtrack: 

Björk's **Homogenic** and **Post** albums


	2. Chaos and Killings

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

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Unravel

I watched as they had made him watch. I can't believe they made him watch what they did to me. It was the last thing he would see. 

I heard him, shouting for them to stop and all I could do was scream and bear it, as they tore me in two. The knife tried to bite into my neck but I moved and it cut my face just missing my eye. It would probably leave a scar.

I could feel the cold metal dig into my neck, slicing it for a slow and painful death. They wanted it that way, so I could watch. Watch them torture him.

I can feel the blood on my finger tips as I watched them beat him, seeing how long he could last. I tried to shout out, to tell them to stop, but the wound was too deep, it hurt too much. All I could do was watch.

And then he died. They laughed. And I choked. 

I felt dizzy as the laughter rang in the air. Something about Battousai paying and his whore, I'm guessing me. 

I was blinded and everything was in a blur. Something dirty and metallic found it's way to my hand. That vow, I foolishly believed in, that vow that meant so much to me; it broke like I broke. 

Backs turned I killed them dishonorably. Mangled bodies fell to the floor and I think I was one of them. They probably didn't even feel it. There were more and it was like a dream. They didn't see it coming but their faces. Oh gods, their faces. Red covered them like a skin of death. 

Blood, I could feel it gush out of me and hear it flow out of them. They were dead and I had killed them.

And he was dead, too late to save.

And He was gone ... too late to call back.


	3. Leaving

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

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Unravel

"Kaoru, you should get some rest."

I looked up and saw Megumi's deep brown eyes look at me in concern. I turned away, she shouldn't be concerned with someone like me. "I'm fine."

I must have said that a little too harshly, she flinched. "I know what today is."

"I know you do. I wanted to be alone, I thought I told you that."

"Kaoru." 

She had stopped calling me tanuki after that day. I don't know why. I don't think I'd mind if she'd call me that again. I would give anything to be that tanuki she once knew. But that felt like a life time ago. 

"I just want to be alone, please Megumi."

The doctor nodded and gave up. I heard her footstep become more faint as she left the room.

I didn't want anyone around. This day was meant for me to spend alone, to bear the weight of my sins and repent. I can still see all of their faces, the last the looked when they died. I would never forget, my moment of madness then.

The scar on my face and neck were still there, never fading, just like His. Ugly reminders of what I had done and faced. I had lost everything, failed to protect what I loved.

Megumi found me that night. I was unconscious but I could imagine what all looked liked and what kind of trauma she had endured because of me.

She told me I could have easily died but she had made it just in time. I think I would have preferred death at that moment, but I can't remember. Though it's better now, I can remember and pay for what I had done. 

When I woke up, it was like a bad dream. Why had I lived? Why couldn't he have lived instead? Him, not me. For a selfish moment I thought He would come. He would comeback and say how everything would be ok. He would make it right and help me with the guilt. Guilt for killing them all.

But He left a year ago, promised to another. And I laughed, thinking how silly I was believing that he hadn't fallen in love again in those ten years he had wandered. What a ridiculous little girl I was. 

He left us alone, to fend for ourselves. Fighting off his enemies as he disappeared into the night with his precious Aya. I was bitter and I did blame him. But I think now, it wasn't his fault, and if he did know He would have come back. 

But he never did. And now Yahiko lies in the earth with the rest of my family. I know the brat would berate me for being as I am but all I can do is tell him I am sorry and that I can be nothing else. I am tainted beyond recognition and now must pay for my sins.

Megumi had taken me in and I had been a burden on her for far too long. When she left this room she did not know that it would be the last time we speak. 

I walked to the chest and pulled out my traveling clothes. My legs are bare and the cloak covers my upper body. I place the sakabatou at my waist and walk out of the room. 

I would repent for my sins the way I had seen Him do. The only way I knew how to. 

"Happy Anniversary."


	4. Meetings

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

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Unravel

I knew she would find me. The young girl that sought out her beloved so bravely on her own.

"Why did you leave, Kaoru?"

Those innocent blue eyes looked back at me as we walked through the forest together. Misao hadn't changed much since the last time I saw her. "You know I couldn't stay there. I had nothing there and I was only a burden to Megumi."

"You worried her though."

I could only nod. I knew I should have said something, but I didn't want to face her accusing eyes. I could imagine her scolding me like a child and telling me how foolish I was like she used to. I couldn't help but laugh at the thought. 

"Wounds take time to heal," she said wistfully. 

We continued to walk through the vast green forest. I wasn't sure were we were but I know it was somewhere near Sendai. It was extremely cold. What was I thinking? The cloth only covered up to my knees and the hem of the travel kimono was mid-thigh. But it worked out.

"So how is Aoshi?" I could only hope that something was going right at least for one of us.

Misao hid a grin. "He was angry when I left but understood. With the ceremony only a few months away ..." She broke off probably thinking it would lead me to think about my own life and how alone I was. And I did.

"Finally got your Aoshi-sama. I'm so happy for you Misao." I know I didn't sound too ecstatic but I really was. I was happy that she was and I think she knew that I had meant it because she hugged me.

"You'll be happy too, Kaoru. I know it," she whispered. "You'll find it. You most of all deserve it."

I couldn't tell her how wrong she was. That I didn't deserve it. All I could do was smile sadly and hug her in return. 

Night fell and we found shelter at an old inn on the side of road. Misao had insisted on paying for the room and the meal. I felt like I was having my last meal on earth when she had ordered the food. We didn't even manage to finish half of it. Silly little itachi.

"So what are you going to do now?"

The question was like it was pulled out of the sky and put before me. "Do what I can."

"You're not Himura."

I smiled sadly at the mention of His name. "No, I'm not. But I hope to be."

She stiffened and her eyes hid something. I had almost forgotten that she was a ninja, a ninja with a lot of knowledge. "I know where he is."

I shake my head. "No, I don't want to know where he is. He is no longer a part of my life."

Misao nodded knowing that I was firm in my decision. What good would it do to see him anyway? To see him happy with that woman. That day too was still fresh in my mind.

"He doesn't know though."

"That's good." And I meant it too. I didn't want him to fret, I didn't want to ruin any chance of happiness he had. He deserved it for all he had done. 

Misao smiled sadly at me. "That's my Kaoru-chan. Not wanting worry anyone." 

"I just don't want him to bear anymore guilt. I don't blame him anyway but knowing him he would probably go into a fit of depression." Just like I did, but I didn't say that. She didn't need to know about that. This Kaoru was too strange for her as it was.

"But he should know. Damn it, Kaoru, he should know. He shouldn't have left!"

I placed a hand on her to steady her. Everyone was looking at us. I looked around and smiled at them apologetically. "He left because he didn't belong there," I sighed. I really didn't want to talk about it.

"That woman should have stayed where she was. She had no right—"

But I cut her off. "She had every right to. If I were— If I were her I would have done the same."

"Then why don't you?"

No, it was too late for me. "I don't have any right. He made his decision and this is the outcome."

"What? What happened to you and Yahiko's life? This is the outcome?"

She was getting angry and I was getting tired. I really didn't want to talk about it now. "He loved her and she loved him, that's all there is to it."

"But you never told him—"

"It wouldn't have made a difference." That was a lie, maybe it would have. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.

"It should have been you."

I shook my head. "No, it is as it should be." She nodded, I guess finally giving in. "It's getting late we should get to bed. You're leaving early, aren't you?"

I could see the hesitation in her eyes. "I can stay with you. I don't have to go back yet."

My poor sweet Misao. I looked at her and I saw what I was then. "No, Aoshi needs you and I'd hate to keep his little weasel girl away from him for too long. It's a long way back to Kyoto and I'd hate for something to happen to you."

She was about to argue but something in her mind must have clicked because she shut up mouth and nodded. 

I only slept a few hours, still haunted by those images of the men I killed and the one I failed to protect. But I put on a straight face and went to see Misao off.

She cried and I was almost in tears as well. I honestly did not want her to leave but she had to, she had her own life to go back to. I wished her luck and all the happiness in the world. She would live a happy life for me and I was happy to know that she was in safe hands.


	5. The Exgangster's Discovery

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

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Unravel

The road was dark and I could feel the first snow fall from the sky. I should have found some shelter instead of heading off into some random direction. 

"Didn't I say to let her go?"

The voice was familiar. I heard some grunts and a woman shriek, that was when I ran towards to commotion, my hand hovering on my sakabatou. I froze, the giant kanji on the man's back invoked so many memories.

"Teach you punks to listen to man when he's threatening ya."

There was that voice again.

"You ok, lady?"

The woman trembled and nodded as he helped her up. The fallen men lay in a heap a few yards away. They were probably out to mug her. 

"You should be at home. Where do you live?"

That voice. I knew that voice. Oh gods, I didn't want him to see me either. I needed to hide.

"Jou-chan?"

Too late.

I lifted my eyes to meet his disbelieving gaze. "Hello Sano." 

To say he was surprised to see me was an understatement. "Kaoru," he whispered. The scars on my face and neck were probably shocking.

"How are you?" I feigned a smile, I had never truly smiled since then. 

The woman forgotten he walked to me to get a better look I suppose. I didn't think he really believed I was real. As usual, I was right. His hand touched my face and traced my scars, I tried not to flinch at his touch. "Who did this?" He's pissed.

"They're long gone," I whisper. He didn't get the hint.

"I'll kill them."

I stayed quiet.

His eyes told me that he wanted to say something more but he realized that this was no place to have a conversation. "Come on," he put an arm over my shoulder and guided me away. 

I should have hid.

"So, how are you?" The bar was old and mostly unkempt but there were few people leaving us room to talk about our private matters. 

He shook his head. "I'm wondering more about you."

"Healthy as a tanuki can be," I tried to be humorous but it was falling flat.

He eyed my scars once again. "What happened? Why are you here?"

I shrug. "Can't a girl wander without being questioned?" I joke as I take a sip of my sake. He's making me nervous. _I don't want to talk about it. I don't. Please just leave it alone_.

"No."

I sighed. I didn't want to go though this again. "I really don't want to talk about it, Sano."

"Why not? What happened?"

Sanosuke left just after He did. Megumi was mostly devastated by it but tried to hide. We all knew how she felt about him. 

"Have you talked to Megumi. I guess not. You should, she really misses you."

He draws back at the mention of her name. So I supposed it wasn't one-sided. "Stop changing the subject."

I cringed. "I really don't want to talk about it Sanosuke."

I heard him sigh as I take another swig of sake. I eyed the door, thinking whether or not I should run for it. Anything to avoid explaining everything to him and risk Him knowing about it.

"Where's Yahiko?"

Closing my eyes I saw his face in my mind, those last moments. "Gone."

"What?"

I faced him with vacant eyes. "Dead. He died. He's dead."

"You're shitting me."

I turned away, I didn't want to see his reaction, I didn't want to feel it either. I have my own pain and that is enough. "I was too weak to protect him. I was weak and I failed him."

He cursed and hit the table. I just ignore it and take another sip. It would be a long night.

Of course I left out the gory details but I think the information was too much for him. I knew I shouldn't have said anything but the scars were too much evidence. I couldn't lie to him, it's Sanosuke. He hugged me and it was then that I realized that I was afraid of his touch, the touch of any man. I was broken but I let him do as he wished. It was Sano.

"So he never came back?"

I shook my head knowing he was talking about Him. "He has no reason to. It wasn't his fault."

The ex-gangster cursed for the nth time that night. "Damned if it wasn't. They were after that bastard too! I should have been there. We should have been there."

My smile was sad. "No, it's in the past now. I have to deal with it, it's not your fault."

"Oh, Jouchan." He gathered me into a bear hug and I could only hope that this meeting ended soon. It was too painful.

"I'm fine, Sano." I'm not but I never told him that. I didn't want them to know, how weak I really am. 

"That still doesn't explain what you're doing here."

I smiled again, trying to lighten the mood. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Passing through."

"Same here."

He pointed to my side. "Then what is that?"

I pulled out my sakabatou and showed it to him. "I'm doing the same he did."

"He shouldn't be an example to follow."

I shook my head. "He should be. He's gone through much worse and I hope to gain forgiveness by doing the same. At least clear my conscious of some things."

He nods and his tone is venomous, "If I ever run into him—"

"You'll do nothing but open your arms and welcome him as your friend."

"You're too nice, Jouchan."

I smiled again. "And you're nothing but a big oaf."


	6. Musings

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

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Unravel

I wandered again. Thinking about what I had done. Funny, one would have thought that I'd wallow in my own despair and never let go of what I had done. But, I didn't. Honestly, I mourned for their deaths especially Yahiko´s but I could not help but feel somewhat satisfied with the men's deaths. They used me and tortured us. That dark satisfaction made it worse. Was I a monster because of it? What was I becoming?  
  
I didn't even know anymore. I was no longer that little tanuki that couldn't cook and hit when she was angry or annoyed. Now I was a lifeless shell that wandered from place to place looking for something that I would probably never find.   
  
It had been two years since I left Megumi. A year since I met Misao on the trail to Hokkaido.  
I wondered what they were all doing.  
  
I hoped they were happy. Somewhere in my heart I know they were and that consoled me a little.   
  
The roads always had bandits, people whom leeched off of the innocent. I learned how to hone my skills with the heavy sakabatou to fend them off. I never knew how He managed with such a silly thing but I bore the weight of it everyday. I never left without it, like Him.   
  
It's funny how I vowed to forget him after he left but I never did. Before Sanosuke and I parted ways he asked me why I had it, the sakabatou. I merely smiled, the one that never seems to reach my eyes, and told him that he comforted me in my solace. He had gone through the same thing and knew how it felt.  
  
I would never forget the look on his face. I think he was almost disgusted but at the same time understanding and left it at that.   
  
She was a beautiful woman, Aya I mean. Long dark brown hair arranged in a simple bun. I remember her eyes were a deep brown and she looked like she had so much happiness in her life. I could see why men like the Battousai could easily fall in love. She was refined but not to a point where she was perfection. She had a strong sense of determination and that was set on gaining Him back. Despite what she had taken away from me I understood her. She loved Him and could not live without him. Who was I to stand in the way of that love if it was returned?   
  


He was sad but there was a strange light in his eyes that sparked when we spoke. He said he'd never forget me and would be grateful for the rest of his days. He took my heart with him and he would never know.

  
My love was useless and I watched as they walked away hand in hand, out of our lives.  


Yahiko was furious with Him and with me. I just let the boy be for awhile and he later came to his sense while I refused to let the depression get a hold of me. I vowed to forget him and continue my life just as I did before He interrupted me. I had lived alone and at least this time I wasn't totally, I had Yahiko. Although he didn't know it, I depended on him. I knew he was there for me and he knew that I would always be there for him. There was a mutual respect there and I loved him all the more for it.   
  
And I miss him. My little brat. I would give anything for those venomous words to spew out from that big mouth of his as I yelled at him to practice. Busu. Anything. 

I needed to stop going back to those days. They were gone and I was living in the present. Nothing would make them come back no matter how much I wished it. It was hard to come to that decision. Living in a delusional world seemed appealing at the time but I would be give no such thing. I had to repent.  
  
I was alone. My journey continued and I wandered just like He did.   
  
Nineteen years old and there I was roaming around Japan in no particular direction.


	7. And There She Was

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

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Unravel

Which way was I going? I think I the fishermen said I was near Wajima. I think I was going in circles, I never asked for directions. I didn't know where I was going so how could I? Occasionally I would ask which city I was in but I didn't really matter to me. I wandered to do what I could.

It was a wonder that after more than three years nothing serious had happened to me. There were the occasional close calls but somehow I'd manage. I had more scars marring my body but none as evident as the ones on my face and neck. 

I had wandered back to Tokyo and saw my two girls. Ayame and Suzume, they were growing up so quickly. They hardly recognized me but immediately became playful when they realized who I was. Megumi had returned to Aizu, apparently Sano had finally come to his senses and made an honest woman out of her. I hear they're expecting their first child. Maybe I should go visit them.

The air was crisp and clean making me feel refreshed. It had been awhile since I was in a fishing town. The market was alive with people bustling about. It was too noisy for my tastes but it was enjoyable. 

I finally found a place to sit and have some quiet time. I had turned into something akin to Aoshi, sitting and meditating. It was the only way to keep myself from going completely nuts. Calm the demons, I supposed.

That was when I heard someone scream. It was like danger and violence followed me but that was what I was there for. So I ran to the source. 

My hand trembled and I shook with rage. Two men had a woman pinned down in an alley, ready to ... I shook my head and unsheathed my weapon. My voice was powerful and lethal, "Get away from her." I must have sounded threatening because they dropped her. 

The tall one faced me and his surprise and fear turned into a simple malicious grin. He elbowed his buddy and I could hear them talking to each other. "Looks like we've got a fiesty one."

"Not as pretty as this bitch over here, but she'll do the job."

I wanted to gag as the memories came flooding back to me but I never faltered. "Get away from her."

The second turned his back on me and continued to harass the woman. She was amiable, she stopped screaming and started fighting back, although it was a no win situation but I'd deal with that.

I watched the other come towards me, a small dagger in hand. It was sad, really. There I was with a sakabatou and my attacker threatening me with a dagger. I had to act fast before the attacker continued with the girl. 

My swing was fast and smooth. It did it's job and stunned him, he fell unconscious to the ground. That was when the other one realized that I was a threat and he came at me, no weapon in hand. I side stepped away from him and hit him across his back knocking him out. I started at them, replacing their faces with those men. I wished that I had had the ability to do that back then.

I shook my head. No sense thinking of the would haves and could haves. 

"Are you ok?" I turned to face the woman as she dusted herself off. She was surprisingly calm and she lifted her head to smile at me. My breath caught.

"Yes, thank you so much."

It was her. I couldn't say anything.

"I don't know what could have happened if you weren't here. My husband—"

I stopped listening after that. There she was, in front of me. The same simply elegant brown hair that shined so brightly in the sun. Brown piercing eyes that light up her face and a gentle smile that ... I felt so ... lost.

She peered at my face closely. "Do I know you?"

No, no I can't. No I had to leave. I had to disappear. "No, I don't think so." I tried to hide my face.

"I would like to thank you, please come have lunch with us. Please, I know my husband would be extremely grateful!"

No, I couldn't. Husband—? No, no I had to leave. "I'm sorry. I have to go."

"But wait—!! Kaoru-chan!?"

Damn it was too late. I faced her this time, eyes dull and sad. "Hello Aya-san." 


	8. I ran

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

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Unravel

I followed her through the market place. Some were closing up shop and others were still selling what they could at the last minute.

I could sense the woman's hesitation. I knew all to well the questions she would ask, and as usual I had no desire to answer them. It was all too painful. I also did not want to see Him. What would he say? What would I do? Too many questions, I didn't want to answer them nor did I want answers to my own. I just wanted to continue wandering without any sense of direction.

We finally stopped at the edge of town, a modest house with a small garden for vegetables. I heard the He always wanted to have his own. I shook my head and steeled myself as I walked inside. 

Warm and cozy would be the words to describe Aya's home. It was small but it was a home. 

"Please, sit down." Her voice was gentle and she motioned with her hand.

I sat down and I felt so out of place in this home. I must have looked a mess and the woman before me was immaculate. "Thank you," I whispered. I was such a coward in her presence. "So, how are you?"

It seemed that I started every old encounter the same way. It was the only safe way.

"I'm well, thank you."

There was a tense silence in the room and I merely awaited for her to ask.

"Are you looking for Himura-san?"

She had never called Him by his name. She held too much respect for him to call by it. I shook my head and she seemed to relax. "No, I was merely passing through."

"Oh." And that was all she said.

"You have a wonderful home."

She smiled that wonderful smile of hers and nodded in agreement. "Thank you, it took me awhile to get it like this. When we found it it was some run down shack."

The woman could work miracles. 

"It's nothing compared to your dojo. It's so lovely."

I controlled my emotions and managed to smile. It was lovely, my wonderful little dojo. I miss it and the happiness it brought.

"I want to thank you, for saving me back there."

I nodded. "There's no need to thank me. I simply did what any other moral person would do. I couldn't stand there and let it happen."

She remained silent, a pleasant smile on her red lips. Her eyes strayed from my face to my side. And so it began. "A sword? I thought you didn't fight with a sword."

Should I have shown her? Would keeping it a secret have made things better? I'll never know. I shook my head. "No, it's not. It's a sakabatou." Her eyes went wide as I pulled out a the reversed blade from its confines. 

I think she was speechless. I would have been to, if I were her but I wasn't. 

She continued to stare at the blade. "Why?"

I merely placed the weapon back at my side and smiled. "Long story." 

She nodded in understanding, her eyes roaming over the scars on my face and neck. I felt naked and like I was being prodded. "I should really get going." I didn't want to be here when He got back.

"No, you have to stay!" Her voice was insistent.

With my eyes closed I sighed and nodded. I didn't want to stay but ... Something made me.

The door opened and I heard loud footstep approach us. I refused to open my eyes even when there was a loud thud as something must have fallen to the floor.

"Kaoru-dono?"

Still violet as ever radiating kindness and knowledge. I finally opened my eyes to the sound of His voice. "Kenshin," I acknowledged him. I hadn't said his name in years. It was almost foreign to me, it wasn't that I hated him. I just wanted to forget. 

I watched as the beautiful woman stood up and left the room, not without squeezing his shoulder encouraging him, I supposed. 

I really really REALLY wanted to disappear now. That stare of his belittled me and I felt so too dirty to be in His presence. I bowed my head in shame. I didn't want his accusing stare.

"Kaoru-dono? What happened?" 

I could see his feet stop right in front of me and crouch down. His hand sent tingles up my spine, his touch I hadn't had in years. He lifted my head and his eyes were wide as he stared at the scars. A large ugly gash across my neck and a thin line of rough flesh running down the left side of my face. 

I could almost see the gold in them. "Who did this?"

I turned my head away. "It doesn't matter anymore." I didn't mean to sound cold but I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to tell him. It was true though, it didn't matter anymore. 

Stubbornly I got up from my seat. "I better go now. I just wanted to make sure that Aya-san got home safely when she insisted I come in." I bolted for the door but he stopped me.

"Kaoru-dono, please." He begged, he actually begged. I didn't want to burden him. 

I shook my head. "No. Just let it go. Let me go. I have to leave." I panicked what was I supposed to do? Smile at him and tell him what happened like it was OK? 

I ran.


	9. By Firelight

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

****

Unravel

I was so foolish. I actually ran. I thought I could out run Him? Who was I kidding? But honestly, I had to try. I had to escape so that guilt didn't eat at two souls instead of just this one. He didn't need anymore baggage than he already had. I would bare the sins alone. Besides he had his life already. A wife. Oh gods, a wife! 

I shook my head. No it was ok. I didn't need him and he didn't need me. 

The trees whizzed by me in a blur. All I could hear was the sound of my own breath as my lungs screamed for air but that didn't stop me. I ran away from the past, hoping I would never see it again.

I don't think I was surprised when I found that he wasn't following me. He must have been in shock or at least put his stubbornness aside and knew that I had to be alone. I was somewhat disappointed, and who wouldn't be? I was just being silly. Why would he follow me, I was not his present. She was, I was his past. But then again she was also his past. No, I shook my head, I wouldn't drown myself in those thoughts again.

I looked at my surroundings. The middle of nowhere, as usual. I should have been more careful, it looked like I'd have to sleep outside again. It's not like I had any money to spend on an inn. A rurouni was penniless and I learned that the hard way when I began. 

Perhaps I should have kept moving instead of building the small fire. I shouldn't have kept vigil and traveled throughout the night to get away. I stayed and that was my mistake.

"Who's there?!" My hand was quickly on the hilt ready to attack. Deep down I knew who it was but experience never let me keep my guard down.

"Kaoru-dono ..."

I tensed and my hand stayed on my weapon as he came into the small clearing. I didn't get a good look at him at the house but here he was illuminated by the fire. The light danced off his features and I longed to embrace him like the light but that was impossible.

I managed a weak smile. "So you found me."

He smiled too, but it wasn't forced like mine. "Aa, I did."

"Stubborn as ever."

"So are you."

We stayed silent, only listening to the sound of the fire crackling. I don't think either of us knew what to say or maybe it was just me.

"What are you doing here Kaoru-dono?"

I met his gaze, my smile still intact. "I was only passing through, I didn't know you were here until I met Aya-san."

He nodded and told me that Aya had informed him what had happened. He thanked me.

"That's unnecessary, it's only logical."

He sat down in front of me with enough room to make me feel comfortable despite the nervousness I was feeling.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

I shook my head. "Don't worry about it. It no longer concerns you." The wording sounded cold but my voice was gentle. 

I could see the knot form on his brow. He had forgotten how stubborn I could be. "How did you get those?"

I flinched away before he had the chance to touch them. I could see the hurt in his eyes. "They're nothing."

I saw his own scar, it looked better than the last time I saw him. Could he have found happiness with her, finally? That would make me happy as well. At least our sacrifice wouldn't have been in vain. And then I asked him. "Are you happy?"

He blinked. He wasn't expecting that one. "Am I happy?"

I nodded and grim smile forming. My emotions were a tangled web. "Are you happy?" I needed to know.

He nodded. "Yes, I am."

I sighed. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. "Good. It wasn't in vain then," I whispered. I didn't mean for him to hear.

"What wasn't in vain?"

I should have learned to stop talking to myself. 

"Kaoru-dono? What wasn't in vain? What happened? Why do you have these scars? Why aren't you in Tokyo?! Why aren't you at the dojo? Where is Yahiko?"

Each question stabbed me. I couldn't answer him. I couldn't even if I wanted to. How do you tell someone those things? My mouth then began moving on it own and words spilled out without thought. I whispered to him the truth, "The dojo's gone and Yahiko's dead."


	10. Blame

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

****

Unravel

"Oi Busu! Get your lazy butt up!"

I could have killed the little brat for disturbing my peaceful sleep but he was right it was late and there was work to be done. I sighed and got up, fixing my things to take a bath. "I'm up, I'm up. You ungrateful brat!" 

I heard him snort and throw some more insults. He seemed more agitated than usual, but then again we all were.

I couldn't really think about it then. The wound was too fresh, too tender. The bath was relaxing but I had to get out of there before my musings got the better of me. It would do me no good to wallow in my own despair. I needed to be strong, there were others that depended on me. And it's not like it was the end of the world, I was young and still had my life ahead of me, no matter who walked in and out of it. 

We practiced vigorously until I wore him out and then I allowed him to rest. I had too much aggression to channel so I stayed and continued to strengthen myself. It probably wasn't the healthiest thing, working out until I could no longer move my limbs. But it kept the tears from spilling over and that was good enough for me. 

I could see Yahiko light the lamps from the corner of my eye but I continued. I knew he was worried but he was too afraid to say anything. I didn't blame him. I could imagine how I looked to him, like some crazy person fighting off imaginary demons clawing at her. But that was the only why I could deal with it. I knew it would get better in time but at that moment I was a wreck. 

He yelled at me but I didn't listen until it was too late. I was such an idiot. Why was I so deep in thought? Why didn't his voice reach me?

Rough hands grabbed my arms and pushed me to the floor. That's what got my attention. 

"Run! Kaoru Run!!" He never called me Kaoru unless ...

I couldn't see him all I could see was the masked man on top of me, his voice was muffled but I could clearly understand him.

"Looks like battousai's gone, leaving his woman and this kid."

I shook my head, my arms were sore from wielding the shinnai all day. "Get off of me," I growled.

He only laughed and signaled for him friends to join him. There were more? This time, I knew that He would not come, He would not save us. He was gone.

One by one they came and I stayed numb. I screamed and cursed, kicked and clawed it was all useless. It only managed to anger them and become more violent.

I could see his brown eyes stare at me, filled with tears. He saw ... He saw ... He cried for me because I could not. I saw the knife come at me and I tried to move away. It stung and I could feel blood seep out of the thin wound. I screamed when they grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. I was silenced when the steel slid across my neck and Yahiko's cry rang in my ears.

I could hear him cry. I listened as he sobbed my name, His name, then at least his mother's. Then there was silence.

They thought I was dead. They thought me used and useless but that was their mistake. I took their lives in cold blood. A sick satisfaction at seeing them die for what they had done. Then quickly came the guilt, their faces as I pierced their hearts. At least Yahiko didn't live to see my mistake.

We buried them, the unknown attackers and my dear student. Saitou was strangely sympathetic and the murders were claimed to be in self-defense. It was a battered woman's word against five dead men's. 

How could it be self-defense when their backs were turned? When they were walking away leaving me to die? I thought I should have burned for it, defying my father's sword and what I had stubbornly believed in all my life. But the strings of restraint break too easily. 

I left out that they were after him and the rape. I didn't mean to wander into his part of the world. It was an accident. 

He remained silent, his head bowed. If I could have I would have reached out to hold him but I couldn't. I had learned to deal with the demons and now he had to face new ones.

"I should have been there."

I shook my head. "No, it wasn't your fault. It was me, I was too weak."

He took my hands and brought them to his face. "I'm so sorry, Kaoru-dono. I'm so—" I could feel the warm liquid spill onto my hands as he continued to whisper his apologies. 

I smiled gently and lifted his gaze to meet mine. "It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known. You had your own life to live, you didn't belong with us."

I felt like such a hypocrite. I hadn't grown up. I was still that silly selfish girl that dragged around her rurouni and hit him with her bokken. 

"I should have been there."

I shook my head. "Maybe." His eyes closed at the simple word, he thought I had meant it. "But you weren't and it doesn't matter now. It happened and that's the end of it. It's my problem now, not yours."

He shook his head, the grip on my hands tightening. "They were after me weren't they?"

I stayed silent. I didn't want him to know the truth but my silence gave it away.

"It was my fault." I think his eyes were gold for a moment. "Did they—?"

I ripped my hands from his grasp. "It doesn't matter now, I told you that. You shouldn't be here."

He looked like a ragged doll, his hair covering his face and his body slumped in defeat. "I didn't mean for this to happen."

I sat back and watched him, weary of his definitive reaction. "I know you didn't, Kenshin. It's not your fault. You should go back, to your wife." I had to bite my tongue at the end of the sentence to keep my voice from cracking.

"She's not—"

I shook my head. "Please go, Kenshin." 

He just stared at me. I didn't think he was going to leave.


	11. Impossible

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

****

Unravel

The night was so beautiful. I remembered that spot well, the place where fireflies gathered. They shone so beautifully. It was as if they knew he would say goodbye. Then, it seemed like he would never return home, to me. But he did and I thanked the gods for that. However, had I known what I knew now I would have thought things differently. If I knew it would be difficult to say goodbye to him again I would have tossed him out the day I met him. Ok, maybe I wouldn't have, it was just a thought.

He grasped my hands again. I watched as he tried to form words but I beat him to it. "I have to go."

He shook his head. "We must speak about this Kaoru-dono. You can't go off on your own."

I tore away from his grasp and my voice was bitter. "I've been on my own for years now, Kenshin. I think I can take care of myself."

"You know what I meant." 

I did know what he meant, but not at that moment. He wanted me to stay, to share my demons with him. Had I known that it would have done me some good I probably would have but it was impossible. 

"Had I known I would have returned immediately ..." His voice was hoarse, I think he was trying not to cry.

"But you didn't."

"Sessha only meant the best," he explained. I could see him sinking into that dark depression that I had feared. "Sessha thought that disappearing from your lives was best. That all traces of this ex-hitokiri would disappear so no harm would come to you all."

I hid the cynical smile that formed on my lips. "I know you did but there are some things you just can't control."

"Had sessha known .. had ..."

I caressed his hair and gave him a small smile. "I know Kenshin, I know."

I almost flinched when he covered my hand with his. I couldn't deal with so many things then. 

"Kaoru-dono ..."

"You better go back to Aya-san or she will get worried."

He let go of my hand at the mention of her name. There was the sadness in his eyes, and newly formed guilt that plagued him. It hurt to see him like that, that I had been the cause of the pain he was feeling. "Come back with me."

"You know I can't." I wished I could but he was no longer mine to love.

"Yes, you can."

"Maybe one day we'll meet again. But there is too much—" I trailed off not knowing what else to say.

I was content when he nodded. He did understand. He knew what it was like and knew that I had to be alone, at least then. I hoped that he would find happiness with that woman, she was what he needed. I watched as he turned to leave and I had almost forgotten to tell him.

"Congratulations, on your marriage."

He stared at me. Was that confusion in his eyes? "What are you talking about?" I supposed it was.

"On your marriage to Aya-san. She said ... her husband ..."

He smiled at me sadly. "We're not married."

I blinked. "But I thought that's why you..."

No. That's ridiculous. I didn't want him to tell me that didn't leave because of her. We didn't suffer for nothing. 

"No, she married a young fisherman that lives here. I couldn't marry her and she knew that. Like you, I was just passing through."

My heart shattered in pieces and I broke. My face crumpled and my voice cracked, "but I thought you loved her." This was too much. For years I had thought he was happy with her ...

"Kaoru-dono?!" He ran to my side. "Are you alright?" 

I snapped. "You left us because of her!" So maybe I did think he was at fault, maybe it was my selfishness getting the best of me but it had been year since I had broken down. 

"I left to escort her back home ... My intention was to guide her safely back and return to wandering. Did you think sessha—?"

I almost laughed at the irony. "You have go to be kidding," my voice was sobbing as the images of Yahiko and those men came into my mind. "All for nothing .. useless ..." I began rambling on and on about things that made no sense, at least to him.

"Kaoru-dono?!" His voice was panicked but my mind went back to that day. 


	12. Why He Left

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

****

Unravel

"Kenshin!" I ran through the gates with the small bundle of cakes Tae had given to me as a gift. I was so excited to share them with him. I was so carefree then.  
  
No, not at the washing tub. Funny, the clothes were still in a pile, I thought he would have been finished washing them. Then I found out why they were still there.  
  
"Kaoru-dono?"  
  
I smiled brightly as I turned to face him. "Kenshin Tae gave us some cakes!!"  
  
That sweet smile of his always brought comfort to me. However, there was something akin to sadness behind those big violet eyes and it scared me. "Kenshin?"  
  
"We have a guest Kaoru-dono." He guided me to the living room, a gentle hand on my shoulder. I didn't want him to let me go.  
  
"Kaoru-dono, this is an old friend of mine Aya-dono."  
  
She was breath taking. She donned a simple blue kimono but she made it look so beautiful, her eyes held joy and kindness. There was something about her that made you feel safe and loved, but that also frightened me.  
  
"Yoroshiku," she bowed gracefully. It was times like these that I genuinely felt Megumi´s words true. I was really was a tanuki, especially compared to Her.  
  
"Yoroshiku," I returned her bow. It was customary. I sat down in front of her and my heart tore into when Kenshin sat beside her. "How do you two know each other?"  
  
She smiled that lovely smile of hers and her voice was wistful. "We met years ago. Himura-san stayed with me for a few months."  
  
I tried not to close my eyes and show them my pain so I feigned a smile and listened to their story.  
  
"Sessha had just began wandering. I didn´t know where I was when I heard someone cry out. It turned out that it was a group of men harassing a small boy. I was about to intervene but Aya-dono beat me to it."  
  
She laughed, it sounded like bells. "I had no idea what I was doing. I just saw the child be beaten and I very well could not see that happening so I picked up the biggest stick I could find and tried to hit them with it."  
  
He laughed too, he seemed so relaxed. 

  
"Of course, Himura-san saved the day and he ended up staying at my home that night as a reward."  
  
I smiled and tried to look humored. But I remained silent for fear of speaking the truth.  


  
They continued the story. It was much like ours. A battle here and there. The truth of His true identity, she didn´t care either. The day turned to night. I thought it ironic, that he fell for this woman, although he had said no such thing .. yet.  
  
"My goodness, we´ve talked all day!"  
  
I smiled and nodded. "Yes." Nothing more.  
  
He turned to me with pleading eyes. "Maybe Aya-dono can stay the night. After all, it is late and we have more than enough room here for her."  
  
Who was I to deny him? And I wasn't a spiteful person by nature, but this time maybe I should have been. "Of course she can stay!"

  
I saw her about to protest when I shook my head. "No I insist, you´re like family now. After what you´ve been through with Kenshin I can relate and I feel like I know you."  
  
It´s true. I did feel like I knew her. I was her, in a sense. She had come before I did, shown bravery and persistence. Her stubbornness rivaled mine but she felt like she was so much more than I was. Aya was what He need to heal his wounds not me.  
  
I sat on the edge of the walkway, staring at the night sky. I heard light footsteps that were foreign to me but I knew who it was.  
  
"Kaoru-chan?" She had insisted that we call each other by those honorifics because we felt so close to each other, gone through the same experiences.  
  
But I couldn't dare. "Konbanwa, Aya-san." I tilted my head and smiled.  
  
She sat down next to me and stared at the stars as she spoke. "I had almost forgotten how wonderful Himura-san is."

"Aa." I didn't want her to continue. It was obvious where she was going.

"Has he told you?"

"Told me what?" 

"Who he is?"

I nodded. "I found out the next day." I pulled my legs to my chest, trying to gain comfort.

I could almost feel her smile. "So you didn't care either? He's lucky, you know, he was always belittling himself."

"He still does."

"I love him."

My heart broke. Why did she have to be so honest? Couldn't she have at least hid it awhile longer? I nodded. "I know."

"You love him?"

I shook my head and smiled at her. I lied. "Of course, he's like a brother to me." The words pained me as the left my mouth. I didn't want them to see my pain so I continued to smile. 

She sat closer to me and I could feel her shoulder rub against mine. "I thought you loved him ... more than that."

"No." My head hurt.

Aya bumped me playfully. "Silly me. I was beginning to get jealous!"

I laughed away my sorrows and bumped her shoulder. I think I was testing her then, seeing if she was worthy enough for Him. But it's not like I could have kept them away from each other.

"You're a brave woman, Kaoru-chan."

I blinked and turned to look at her face. Her brown eyes peered into my own blue ones. "What do you mean by that?"

"You are a woman who believes in something that most people would find ridiculous. I admire you for your bravery to take on a society that shuns women that are independent."

I was in shock. I never expected this woman to admire me. After all she was so much more worthy than I was. And I let her know. "But you, Aya-san, are so much more." I turned to stare at the stars that twinkled high above us. "You traveled a long distance to find a man you loved years ago. Your determination to find him, no matter what the costs ... it's ... wonderful."

She smiled at me and thanked me. The silence between us was comfortable but I could still feel the tension. 

"You're leaving with him?" I smiled bitterly, hoping she would not see it.

"Yes, he agreed to accompany me. He was going to speak to you but I think he's too afraid."

I turned to her and beamed a false light. "That baka isn't leaving without saying goodbye I hope!" 

Why was I giving up so easily? What if he didn't want to go? What if he really was just accompanying her back home? 

But what if he wasn't? Was that why he was so afraid?

"You should go speak to him, Kaoru-chan." Those perfectly white teeth flashed at me and her eyes twinkled. 

I nodded and walked to His room.

"Come in," his voice was strained. He really didn't want to speak to me.

His eyes were downcast and his hair unbounded. "Kaoru-dono." At least he acknowledged my presence. 

I sat down in front of him, my legs neatly tucked under me. I never knew how I kept from falling over that night. I was so unbalanced. "I heard you were accompanying Aya-san to her home. That's far away." 

The apprehension in the room was choking me and I hoped that my voice wouldn't crack in the middle of the conversation. I braced myself for the impact of the words as he spoke.

"Hai. Sessha is accompanying Aya-dono to her home in Toyama." 

At least it wasn't as far as Kyoto.

"Will you be returning?"

There was silence and that was the longest moment in my entire life. I awaited his answer but I knew what it was. Although silence is not meant to be used as a reply they are usually answers for the most dreaded questions.

"I didn't think so. At least you gave me a warning." I tired not to sound so sad, so cold and it worked. This was the night where I found my natural talent for acting. "You love her, don't you?"

His violet gaze never left mine and it seemed as if he were testing me.

I sighed and tried to bury the emotions. He was going to find his happiness and that was what mattered. As long as he found it I would be happy. Or, I would try to be. Much like he did I put on the mask. "Well, I guess this is our last night as a family then! So lets make it special!"

His gaze was wide and he looked at me as if I had grown a second head. Figuratively speaking, I think I did. "Kaoru-dono?" He was confused.

"Oh come on Kenshin! Don't be so glum! As long as you're happy!" I smiled, I wondered if he knew it was fake.

But then he smiled too. So sincere so serene and I couldn't help but truly smile back. "Hai, lets go Kaoru-dono."

"You're not really letting him go. Are you, Busu?"

I didn't have the heart to whack the kid on the head. I don't even think I heard him call me that accursed insult. "He doesn't belong here, you saw that last night."

We watched as they walked off that morning. Yahiko was angry with me, for letting him go. He never did understand why I didn't put up a fight. He didn't see the happiness in His eyes like I did.

I was so foolish to think that he didn't fall in love those ten years he wandered. To think that he didn't go through the same dangers with some else. That he didn't share the same excitement with someone more worthy. 

I wasn't the only woman that shed tears for his past. I wouldn't be the last, she would. 


	13. Partings

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

****

Unravel

"Please go," I said with a broken voice.

He stared at me for a moment before kneeling down in front of me. "Kaoru-dono, you know—"

"Kenshin," my voice was firm despite the hurt in my throat from the raw sobbing. "I've had to go through a lot these past few years. What I had done is unforgivable. I took those men's lives without a single thought. I let them violate me and kill Yahiko because I was too weak to help it."

His eyes had a faint amber glow in them as I spoke. I had forgotten that I never told him the story in detail.

I stopped him before he spoke. "In my mind I regret taking their lives but in the back of my head I find a sick sense of satisfaction because they had kill him. They killed Yahiko, my little Yahiko. They made him watch, tortured him and beat him to death. And because of that ... And because I can never fully feel remorse for the lives I've taken I can never rest. I'm afraid of what will happen if I can never feel the guilt. I'm sorry.

"So I tried to do something. I tried to lessen the guilt by protecting others, trying to make up for not protecting my only student, the gaki," I sniffled. "I did it the only way I knew how. By the time I was healthy enough to start over again the dojo was gone but it didn't matter. I was no longer capable of teaching what I had believed in because I had broken it. I was tainted and Kamiya Kasshin Ryu died with Yahiko and those men."

I knew he wanted to stay with me. Why did he have to be so nice? He didn't have to be with someone like me. I was nothing, someone who could never be happy.

The soft caress of his hand in my hair made me look up at him. His violet eyes held compassion and guilt but I think I saw something else in them but I was too afraid to find out what it was.

"Now I have to continue until I feel like I can stop," I smiled at him, a smile that could rival his own rurouni one.

He said as he leaned back to study my face. "I understand, Kaoru-dono. Please forgive this unworthy one. He has brought you so much trouble. When sessha left he thought it was in the best interest for you. But now I see that I was wrong. I'm sorry and I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me."

The baka, but he was right. I didn't forgive him and that was why we had to part ways until I could. But before that I had to forgive myself.

I closed my eyes and nodded as he leaned forward to place a kiss on my head. "Be safe, Kaoru. We will meet again. Seesha promises."

And I didn't doubt it as I watched him walk off into the night. It was later that I understood that we had never really parted ways. In fact it was the next day when I realized it.


	14. Sanity's Thread

Disclaimer: Character Do Not Belong To Me. I'm Poor Don't Sue Me! =(

****

Unravel

Another path. A dirt road that curved in odd directions. It looked like no one had used it in years and I was probably the first to tread through it. 

I had gotten up at the first crack of dawn wanting to leave the town that brought back too many memories. Not because of the town itself but of the people in it. I had thought I would run into them and I thought I would have been prepared but I supposed I was wrong in assuming that. Looks like I was still the naive young girl that foolishly charged into battle, thinking she could take on the world. But I guess anyone in my position would have reacted the same. 

To think that all these years I had thought he found happiness with that woman. But the fates were cruel. I felt like they were playing a game with my life and taking bets at how much I could take. And trust me when I say a girl can only take so much. I could feel my sanity hanging by a single thread and it would snap at any moment. I hadn't slept but a few hours and my eyes felt heavy. I had too many things to think over and the fact that I had to relive parts of my past one too many times was wearisome. For kami's sake I was only twenty and I felt like I was going on sixty! 

He didn't say much though. I think I didn't want him to, it hurt enough and if he made it worse or better I wouldn't have felt satisfied either way. All I knew was that I didn't want to see him, not for a while. But I knew it would be inevitable, I could feel it. Perhaps it was the fates again, or maybe not. 

"Oi, jou-chan!" 

I lifted a brow hearing someone call me by a name only one other person had called me by. Turning to the source there were three bulky men leering at me. Chains and a mace? That was new. But I was too drained to deal with them. "Maybe another time," I shouted back as I continued my way down the dirt road. Boy, I really was tired.

"Get back here!" One of them shouted. I only managed to anger them. 

Sighing I turned once again and saw them head straight towards me. I groaned. "Not now!"

The first one was easy, he was slow and not much of a fighter. "Just because you're a woman doesn't mean I'll go easy one you!" He said. The chain around him was like an extension of his body but he never managed to get a hit in. "Stay still!" 

The other two were watching us, I'm assuming they were surprised by my skill. I didn't get nothing out of three years of wandering but that didn't mean I was anywhere near Battousai's league. As skillfully as possible I dodged his chains and unsheathed my weapon. Really, all he did was twirl the thing in the air and throw it at me. It didn't take much effort to draw my weapon and hit him across the chest. A couple of more times and he was out.

"You little bitch!" I had almost forgotten about the other two. 

This time they both came at me. I really never found out their purpose for attacking me but I could guess. It wasn't the first time after all and it wouldn't be the last. 

I dodged the mace that was as big as my head as the first guy tried to break my arm. The other tried to swipe at me with a dagger. It wouldn't be as easy as I thought. I don't think I ever fought two large men at the same time with fatigue, among other things, plaguing me.

Ouch. The small blade of the dagger bit into my arm. I was getting careless and that was when I snapped. 

"I said Not NOW!" I swung at them with my sakabatou in a rage. I told them I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to deal with these idiots. 

"Now she's getting feisty!" The first one kidded.

They kept swinging at me but I continued to deflect them. "You'll pay for what you did to Nero!" The other screamed but I wasn't listening.

I was in a daze and deep down it scared me because I had been in a daze that time too. They wouldn't back down and I didn't want them to. I wanted to continue the fight despite my aching need to end it. I thrust the sakabatou upward hitting one of them in the chin then spun around to slam it against the other's neck. They were down but not out.

My eyes grew wide with excitement as they came at me again, enraged. I didn't know why but it was fascinating at the time, I wanted them to come at me, to attack me. 

They shouted their obscenities about what they would do to me, how they would kill me. I merely ignored their words and continued. I knocked one of them out by hitting him across the back, like I had done so many times in the past. 

The battle cry behind me did not go unheard and I turned just in time to block a hit from the giant mace. But his strength was proving too much for me, after all that I was a petite woman. I maneuvered my weapon so that it would throw off his grip on his own. Rolling out of the way my eyes met his and we lunged at each other. My leg swept under his bulky form and knocked him to the ground, his mace falling several feet away from his reach. 

He looked at me like I was insane and maybe I was. I was so tired of it all. I wanted to end it with him, beat the frustration out of myself by using them. He shook his head, as if telling me no because I could not hear his words, I had stopped listening. The sakabatou poised above my head I slammed it down and knocked him out. 

That was when it hit me. It was like a ton of bricks being thrown onto me. What was I becoming? Why did I feel the need to fight them and use them like that? 

"What's wrong with me?" My eyes watered a bit but I didn't cry. The question was meant for my ears alone and not for the man standing in front of me. Compassionate violet eyes shinning with his own questions and answers. 


End file.
